"Q: Bury deep, Pile on stones, Yet I will dig up the bones. What am I?
A: Memories."
-A Folk Riddle.
I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. Always have. Many of my memories of Christmases spent at home with my family as a child are not happy ones. Navigating my way through this time of year has always been challenging for me and as my health declined it has only become increasingly so. I struggle physically to keep up with the festivities, but the emotional hardships I inevitably face each year have proven to be even more taxing. The grip that chronic PTSD has on my mind is as great or greater than the limitations CHD and Fibromyalgia have placed on my body.
Living with limitations is not new to me and you'd think I'd be better at it by now, but I still strongly dislike having to pace myself. Whether I pace myself or not, my body will only let me do so much. Sooner or later I end up crashing and have to bow out of activities in order to drag myself to bed for a nap or to the quiet of my tiny sky box apartment for restorative alone time. I have mostly accepted this as my current way of life, but I still end up feeling somewhat left out now and then. That's when the sadness sets in.
Feeling sad and isolated is a common experience for survivors of trauma. We often feel that we are on the outside looking in. PTSD leaves us with a lessened ability to feel meaningful connection with others, experience deep joy, or to simply feel that we belong. I have lived through a great deal of trauma due to a lot of painful experiences in hospitals and domestic violence in my family of origin. Both of my parents struggled with mental illness and were ill equipped to care for a very sick child. I have vivid memories of being alone in the hospital around the time of my first open-heart surgery, at age 4, and feeling a loneliness that was so devastating to me, as a small child, that I have difficulty describing it. My mother had been told by my doctors that I most likely wasn't going to make it and, since she seemed to be having some kind of nervous breakdown, that it would be better if she simply stayed away. I was alone so much of the time that I rocked myself back and forth for hours, matting my hair, in an attempt to self-soothe. I learned very early on that I couldn't rely on my parents for emotional support. I also learned to numb out, to turn my feelings off, when the world around me became too awful, scary, or hard to understand. Both of my parents attempted suicide during my childhood and I also witnessed physical abuse at home. I had to numb myself or use dark humor to get through those years. It's a coping strategy that has both helped and hindered my emotional health.
I feel amazed by the fact that I turned out as ok, mentally and emotionally, as I have. Truth be told, I have worked hard at it, spending years in therapy and making a commitment to be as honest with myself and others as possible. Despite the work I've done to recover from trauma I am still a "glass half empty" kind of person. I never feel completely safe, I worry a lot, I often have upsetting nightmares, I replay images and conversations from the past in my head on a daily basis, I question and second guess myself constantly and I sometimes struggle with intimacy. These things are a part of who I am. The traumatic memories haven't faded much over the years, so I carry them around in my head and every time I catch myself replaying or reliving some bad memory I simply remind myself to let it go, a million times over, let it go.
Unfortunately, during the holidays it becomes harder to keep those sad memories at bay or to let them go. I haven't seen either of my parents in 16 years and I haven't heard from my brother in many years either. Our family fractured a long time ago and it has been better for my mental and physical health to maintain that distance. I cherish the time I get to spend with my son this time of year and I often attend holiday celebrations with my ex husbands family, who have always welcomed me with open arms and who I do love dearly. Despite my efforts to participate and enjoy the holiday season, I always breathe a sigh of relief on Jan 2nd.
So, this Jan 2nd I will yet again feel relieved that I made it through another year and also deeply grateful for the people in my life who love me, despite my somewhat thorny nature. To all my fellow CHDers and anyone else who might be living with PTSD, I would just like to add that the sooner you seek treatment the better. Having lived with chronic PTSD for 40 years has changed who I am and I sometimes wonder who I would have turned out to be if I had been treated for it at a much younger age. Get help as soon as you can, but also remember that you're not alone and that you are worthy, lovable and amazing, just as you are. Best wishes for a warm and magical holiday season.
