At 44 I find myself once again back in college. I have been working on completing a Bachelors degree for many years and have returned to CSUS this semester after an eleven year break. During that time I filed for Disability, lived with congestive heart failure, fibromyalgia and heart rhythm problems, underwent 4 cardiac caths, my third open-heart surgery and a hysterectomy. I also parented a teenager and became an empty-nester. I have been busy, but I have at times felt that I haven't been busy enough.
Those of us who are chronically ill still want to feel that we are leading productive lives. Unfortunately, society's standards for what is considered to be a productive and successful life is at each milestone often more than what we can keep up with. Many of us fall behind and for me this meant a deep sense of failure. Intellectually I understand that measuring my accomplishments against those of able bodied people isn't a fair comparison, but that fact seems to be lost on many people, including some of my close relatives. Unfair judgements and unrealistic expectations regarding how much we can and should be doing, by people who really have little or no clue about what we endure, are sadly all too common. Many of my fellow CHDers, who aren't able to live normal lives due to their symptoms have been deeply hurt by these kinds of judgements.
Criticism and judgements from others are hurtful and unkind, but what I believed about myself was even more damaging. To have thought that I didn't have what it takes to graduate from college and that I might as well accept my status as college drop-out was very painful. It plunged me into depression and years of soul searching. I will likely always have to deal with some disappointments due to my physical limitations, but what I eventually realized is that a college degree is something I truly want for myself and that when it comes to this one thing I should just keep trying for as long as I have any energy at all. Not to prove to everyone that I'm smart, or to meet society's standards of success, but because it would make me feel proud of myself for doing something that makes me happy. I love being in college, I thrive in that environment and ultimately I want to be doing this because it brings me joy. I am committed to sticking with it even if it's the last thing I do and even if I have to go to school online from bed. I am doing this for me and I am willing to sacrifice a great deal in order to continue for as long as I am at all physically able.
We have to live for ourselves. CHDers, and everyone struggling with chronic health problems, we have to keep working at letting go of all the expectations others have placed on us. For those of us who have lived through multiple open-heart surgeries and years of invasive interventions, the truth is that we have accomplished a great deal. We are warriors and have so much to be proud of. While uninformed judgements might always sting a bit, we can learn not to let them tear us down. We have fought hard to be here. Let's celebrate our miraculous lives by finding and doing the things that bring us lasting joy.
