"Soul work is not a high road. It's a deep fall into an unforgiving darkness that won't let you go until you find the song that sings you home."
"Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."
-Leonard Cohen.
For several months now I have been making yet another attempt at finding effective treatment for the Chronic PTSD I've lived with for most of my life. Medical trauma has been responsible for the bulk of my issues, but I also grew up in a family where there was physical and emotional abuse, neglect, and mental illness. Over the years I have spent countless hours in traditional talk therapy, I've done art therapy, group therapy, EMDR, and am currently trying CBT. I have found art therapy and group therapy very helpful, but was quickly overwhelmed by EMDR. Talk therapy has been a mixed bag, some helpful, some a waste of time and money. I have also intermittently worked at completing a BA in Psychology and have read many books about trauma and mental illness. Despite all these efforts my symptoms have slowly worsened over the years, most likely due to the repeated trauma of ongoing surgeries and other painful procedures. I have given up on the hope of finding some amazing cure for my PTSD and am learning to see it as a part of me. I can't go back in time to change my childhood and I can't trade my body in for a healthy one. Living with things the way they are is a struggle much of the time, but not all of the time. There are things to be grateful for, and practicing gratitude has enabled me to see more and more of those things. Using a different lens to look back at my life helps me see that there were many good times, that I've had amazing opportunities, and overall, that I've had a remarkable life.
It has been far from perfect and there has been a great deal of suffering, but that is just a part of my story. No more and no less. I have lived through some very dark times and spent many years holding on to the bitterness and anger I felt towards my family, but what I eventually realized is that the anger was hurting me more than them, and that they were back then, and are still now, mentally ill. Therefore, I can continue to challenge myself to feel compassion for them, just as I would for any other mentally ill individual. That doesn't mean that I have to have any of them in my life, but I can send them compassion from afar and if I do choose to have any interactions with any of them I can approach those situations with compassion and firm boundaries.
Developing compassion and kindness for my self has been even more of a challenge. I have come to realize that I've thought of myself as broken for as long as I can remember. Certainly, my parents are partially to blame, but I have perpetuated the fallacy. It has made perfect sense to me to think of myself as emotionally and physically broken. I am trying to change that by applying a subtle shift to my perception, and by altering my value system. Learning to see the value in my situation, my body, and ultimately my self. Just because something, or someone, isn't perfect doesn't mean that they, or it, is necessarily worth less. This probably seems obvious to most people. In contrast to that, I was raised in a family where everything and everyone was either good or bad, black or white, and worthy or not worthy. I have since learned that the world, and everyone in it, is filled with gray. Uncertainties abound and things can sometimes be what we choose to make them. It is quite possible that having a screwed up family and being born with a heart defect has made me a better person, not perfect but stronger in some ways and smarter in some ways. Imperfect can be beautiful and I am just as worthy as anyone else.
So yes, CBT is possibly subtly changing the way I think. I will probably never be a "glass half full" kind of person, but that's ok. I don't need to change or "fix" everything about myself. Acceptance is a beautiful thing and it can open the door for gratitude. Despite all the shitty challenges, there are a great many reasons for me to love my life.
If you are struggling with PTSD, please do keep looking for something that helps to lessen the symptoms, and that can make you more comfortable in your own skin. Different things work for different people. You are worth the effort.
