I made it to 50!!!

I recently turned 50 and it's kind of a big deal. Really didn't think I'd live to see my 50th birthday. I have fought all my life, over and over, just to have more time. Time to accomplish things, time to spend with loved ones, and time to experience the best of what this body in this life can give me. This is a major milestone for me and I thought long and hard about what I'd like to say here, but I kept coming back to this post I wrote on Facebook a couple of years ago after the death of one of my Zipper Sisters.

Yesterday was difficult for the Zipper Sisters. Being a member of this group means a great deal to me, but it is really painful when we lose someone, and it happens all too often. All gone way too soon. We miss them and feel sad for their families, but those of us with complex defects who are getting up in age also feel fear. Personally, I often feel that I am living on borrowed time and that the heart in my chest is a ticking timebomb. Many of us know that we will get sicker again and need more surgeries. That becomes harder and harder to face as we age. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have lived so much longer than expected while other CHDers died young, but above all else, I feel that having a complex congenital heart defect has taught me how precious our time here is. I want as much time with the people I love as possible and I will keep fighting tooth and nail for every minute, for as long as I can. CHD has taught me to love with my whole heart and that who I love, and how I choose to live, doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. My life has not been conventional AND THAT'S OK! I don't have to justify my choices to anyone. I live with a constant ticking in my chest, if you stand close enough to me in a quiet room you can hear it. It makes me want to squeeze as much joy and love out of this life as I can. EVERY SINGLE DAY. So yeah, live and love as big and as much and as deeply as possible, folks. I love you all.

To sum it up, I am feeling the urgency of time slipping away more acutely than ever before and I am determined to get the most I can out of this body. 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

- Mary Oliver